The Apprentice - Episode 1

I’ve tried to resist all day but here it is, The Apprentice blog, episode 1. So it was an immense surprise to all of the candidates when 4 even shinier, strangely job titled business people appeared like apparitions from the other side of the wobbly walled boardroom. Who knew? Clearly the faceless PA on the telephone… surely Amstrad has a live chat thingy on their intranet? And anyone who read the Radio Times last week… but apart from that, huge surprise!

The value in having 20 candidates was so Sir Alan can fire them in multiples which he failed to take advantage of – I had my eye on 6 to take out in one fell swoop saving myself weeks of shouting at the television at their complete ineptitude to undertake any form of practical marketing activity.

But anyway, we soon discovered that their task was to sell random objects from previous tasks and to make some profit. Let’s add value they all shouted while proceeding to spend a lot of money to do it.

Frankly, I'd have found myself a pub in that supremely edgy part of the world they call Clerkenwell, served some hotdog bangers and mashed high quality spuds and chopped up the lemons to make £500 worth of  happy lunchtime gin and tonics. But of course, it’s much more fun to sell bog brushes to penguins and all travel glued to the hip around London in an expensive cab stuck in traffic. But what, we forgot the SEED CAPITAL? Yes, let’s show everyone we're an accountant by using official accountancy terms to describe an envelope of tenners. Did anyone else notice Sir Alan’s eyes and ears only counted sales at the end and didn’t take off what they spent? Or did I miss that? I might have been bashing my head against the wall by then.

I haven't even ranted yet about the blue suited Sarah – former PA and hypnotherapist who thinks as long as you have a pretty frock and some lippy on, you can sell to poor little men like feminism never happened, that’s if you can hobble fast enough across the cobbles in your heels. The only candidates I rate so far are the ladies who raised their eyebrows at her and asked if she was kidding.

The candidate I really hope will stay for ages is Steven who does a lovely line in hissy fits. But at the end of episode one, it was Felipe who always asked 'what Felipe would do' in times of angst, who nearly bit the bullet before Sir Alan swung back and forth and back to Chiles (not Charles or Giles) who wouldn't pick the t-shirts up because quite clearly everyone should all stay in the same cab the whole time and not, dare I say it, split up and get another cab so you can do two things at once?! No, that would be multi-tasking. 

Haven't they heard of couriers? 

Or had they left their cab money aka seed capital in an envelope somewhere in Clerkenwell? 

Argh… I can't watch but I will.